Why I Refused To Pay For Clown College (And Other Parenting Tips)

I was traveling in the late 1990s, and found out that there was a clown college in Baraboo, WI. I told my 4-year old son Connor about it, and he really wanted to attend.

 

I downplayed the idea: “That’s not a job that people do in real life. You probably won’t be interested in going when you get out of high school.”

 

He was upset, and rightfully so.

 

Connor was (and is) a person with a great imagination, a trait that
fosters cognitive, social development, and develops critical thinking skills in children.

 

How many Apple products did Steve Jobs invent using imagination? Since Job’s death in 2011 from pancreatic cancer, the former Apple CEO has won 141 patents.

 

That’s not a typo: the patents were awarded after his death.

 

So, let that creative kid’s imagination run wild. Connor switched his interest from the clown profession to film, and graduated with a film production degree. Like all normal people, he’s now terrified of clowns.

 

Another parenting tip: wear a hat.

 

You can find humorous short stories here.

Why hats matter

 

If it’s under 50 degrees, I wear a hat. I rotate through 3-4 golf hats, including one I keep nice for going out to dinner, and for other social functions. I do this because I feel warmer. You remember the old saying: you lose 40 percent of your body heat through your head?

 

Turns out to be false. Just ask WebMD– a site I try to avoid, because I can always convince myself that I have a serious illness. I mean, read the symptoms on the site!

 

“The head only represents about 10% of the body’s total surface area. So if the head were to lose even 75% of the body’s heat, it would have to lose about 40 times as much heat per square inch as every other part of your body.”

 

OK, so I’m losing some body heat- just not 40%. Another WebMD quote- this one from an internal medicine doctor:

 

“If you don’t have a hat on, you lose heat through your head, just as you would lose heat through your legs if you were wearing shorts.”

“There’s really no such thing as ‘cold,’ when you’re talking about the body. There’s always heat — it’s just a matter of keeping it in.”

I’m sticking with the hat.

I did most of the teaching when my three kids learned to drive. I have some personal beliefs that may seem a bit… extreme.

Avoiding left turns on busy roads

 

I don’t make left turns onto four-lane roads (two lanes each way), if there’s any traffic. Instead, a make a right, wait for a break in traffic, turn left into a side street or parking lot, and then head in the intended direction.

 

My wife and kids give me endless grief about this policy, making a left turn forces me to watch traffic from both the left and the right, and I think it’s less safe.

 

A recent accident proves my point: I was waiting on a side street to make a right into a four-lane road, and it had just started raining. A driver attempts to make a left across two lanes of traffic, cuts it too close, hits an oncoming car- which then hits my car. No one injured, but you see my point.

 

The irony? I was leaving an auto repair shop after spending $200 on maintenance. It took a few cocktails to get past the anger and frustration.

 

My “avoid left turns” policy is odd, takes more time, but is completely justified.

 

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Before going anywhere- call first

 

How many times have you driven to a store, restaurant, or business- only to find that they’re closed?

 

My brilliant solution: call them before you head out the door.

 

Now, I know what you’re thinking: when you Google a business, it often displays the business hours, and if they’re open now.

 

But I don’t trust the worldwide internets- so I call.

 

Vigorously washing your hands in restaurants

 

I highly recommend the SmartLess podcast. Will Arnett and Sean Hayes give Jason Bateman trouble about his odd habits. One is leaving the table before food comes at a restaurant to vigorously wash his hands.

 

I do the same thing, which is very frustrating for my wife- particularly when I leave right when the food arrives.

 

All food for thought.

Ken

Image: Scott Fleming, What do clowns think about? (CC By SA-2.0)